Dear Crabby, Are the Oscars Doomed?

Dear Crabby,

The Academy Awards are this Sunday and it seems like there is a lot of controversy surrounding it – more so than usual. Do you think it’s time to put the kibosh on the whole thing?

Thanks,
Cecile B. D’Mill

Dear Cecile B. D’Mill,

Yes. Wow. I think that’s the fastest I’ve ever answered a question. But I better give you a bit of a longer answer or else they might take my column away from me and give it to some millennial hipster.

As I’ve said in the past, when it comes to movies, I’m no Roger Ebert. But even I can tell the Oscars are in trouble. Actually, they remind me a bit of that children’s book: “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.” No matter what they try to do, everything goes wrong. Part of the problem is the Academy says they want change, when they really don’t. The other half of the equation is that no one really cares anymore about spending four-plus hours watching overpaid celebrities fawn over themselves. The first Academy Awards presentation held in 1929 was a swanky dinner party with less than 300 people. And here’s the kicker: the actual ceremony ran for 15 minutes. Now I know you’re saying, “But Crabby, there were less categories back then.” Ya. I know. But there’s something to be said for keeping things simple. Problem is, how to do that?

Well, the Academy mucky-mucks thought they had the solution when they decided to cut out four categories from the televised broadcast and instead give the awards out during the commercial breaks. Ha! That idea went over like a lead balloon. There’s also a tradition of having the acting categories presented by the previous ceremony’s winners in those categories. So, last year’s best actress presents this year’s best actor and such. Why not do away with that in favor of snagging presenters with super star power? Ugh. Again, the masses were outraged, and the decision was reversed. And of course, we can’t forget the whole ‘who’s hosting?’ debacle. The answer to that question is NO ONE. That’s right. There won’t be a host for the Academy Awards. I’m not quite sure how that’s supposed to speed things up, but there you have it. The show was going to be hosted by some comedian named Kevin Hart. But apparently years ago he said some things that people didn’t like. Look. I think I’ve said before that there were certain names and phrases that were off-limits in our house. As in my dad would have knocked me into next week if he ever heard them come out of my mouth. But we’ve all said things we regret as it sounds like this Mr. Hart fella does. Is there a time limit on how long you can hang something like that over a person’s head? Apparently not. Hence, no host. It’s times like this I wish Bob Hope was still alive. Now there was a funny guy. And people liked him. At this point I’d even settle for that Billy Crystal fella. His opening numbers told ya all you needed to know so you could go to bed at a decent hour.

Do you want to know what the worst Oscar fail was leading up to the awards? Adding the new award for Outstanding Achievement in Popular Film. Like they need another award to hand out? Now this was clearly done to make the Academy seem hipper, which is funny considering most of the Academy members are old, white dudes. Stay in your lane, fellas. So, how do you solve a problem like the Oscars? The person who can figure that out would probably be hailed as a hero. As for me, I won’t be watching, but maybe I will watch one of Bob Hope’s old films.

Hope your favorite wins!

Dear Crabby