Dear Crabby, Did you watch the last David Letterman show?
Sincerely, Nate Owl
Well Nate,
Sure I did. That kid has been hosting the Late Show for over twenty years on CBS alone. I started watching him before he was funny—now he’s retiring—I’m still waiting for him to be funny. Oh sure, I laughed at the show, but mostly for what happened, not the jokes.
David Letterman racked up some impressive numbers over the years. He hosted 6,028 episodes with nearly 20,000 total guests. He was nominated for 112 Emmys, and took home 16. I don’t know much about awards, but that sure sounds extraordinary.
My favorite guest was Jack Hanna, the animal guy from the Columbus Zoo. I hear he was the second most frequent guest (Regis Philbin was first). Jack would bring on all kinds of strange animals—seem to know close to nothing about them as they flew over Dave’s head, slithered across his desk, and left Dave jumping out of his chair—over a hundred appearances for the two of them together. Jack even was bit during one of the programs and spent the night in the local hospital. It’s rumored they admitted him to the psych ward after telling the doctor he was attacked by a 35-pound beaver.
I always thought I should host a late night television program. How does The Late Show with Crabby sound? I couldn’t deal with all those animals that Hanna brings in, nor could I deal with all those celebrities on the program, and I really hate most of the musical guests that have appeared. Maybe I’ll stick to giving online advice to people—that’s my true calling in life.
Farewell Mr. Letterman and thanks for giving me something to fall asleep to.
Sincerely, Dear Crabby
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