Dear Crabby,
My wife wants us to eat all organic food, but some of it looks kind of gross. Do you eat that stuff?
Sincerely, Eddie Edibles
Dear Mr. Edibles,
I have already shared with the world my feeling for vegetables in general, but just to recap I am not a big fan. I have a few simple rules that have kept me alive so far. My doctor says it’s a miracle that my ticker’s still ticking, but I think he’s just jealous! Basically, I was once young and stupid just like everyone else has been, and I was conned into trying all sorts of things that were supposed to make me smarter, faster, better, and healthier, but they all tasted downright weird. So now, I subscribe to “Crabby’s three S’s” and I think I am much better off. The three S’s are simply “Sales, smells, and spell.” Plain and simple, if something is put on sale, there is a reason! I don’t buy any food at a grocery store or at a restaurant if it is on sale. Now don’t get me wrong, I still look for the best prices, I just don’t fall prey to the sale rack at these places. The second rule of survival is, “If it smells bad, it probably is bad!” My mama didn’t raise no fool. There is a God-given reason that we have the ability to smell and that our natural instinct is to avoid bad smells. People say that sometimes fish smells bad, but if you cook it in enough marinade it tastes fine – hogwash! I used to just toss it in front of the dog, and if he turned his noise up then I certainly wasn’t about to try it. Finally, if I cannot spell it, then I will not taste it. Over the years, them people started pushing strange wannabe fruits like kiwi and ackee. I think I had the latter when I was in the Army, and I was glad to finally get rid of it. Then someone went overseas and came back with these mangosteens for me to try, but I was older and wiser by then, so I was quick to say “No way!” Finally, one of the missus’ friends brought over this urucu fruit from the amazon for us to try. It looked like some sort of pine cone with strange berries falling out of the middle. I tell you, there may be some advantage to eating these weird things, but so far I am doing just fine without them all. As for this new organic craze going around, I don’t really buy into it. It seems to me that people are just not spraying their fruits and veggies and then they try to charge double for them. I know they’ll say it’s more than not spraying; it’s using natural products and procedures to keep the food pure. Yada, yada, yada. I look at those tiny, little bananas and those other veggies that look half eaten by some sort of bug with the big “certified organic” label that means they are expensive, and I just can’t bring myself to buy into that. I know I will probably get a lot of complaints on this, but hey – you people ask for my opinion and that’s what I give. So good luck and choose your battles wisely, my friend.
Sincerely, Dear Crabby
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