Dear Crabby, Help me with my pregnant wife!

Dear Crabby,

My wife is seven months pregnant with our first child. The other day I decided to surprise her by doing all of the laundry – I washed, dried, folded, and put it all away. The next day when she was getting dressed, she came out of our room and was visibly upset…with me! She accused me of shrinking all of her clothes and ruining her wardrobe. I didn’t dare tell her that her growing midriff, not the clothes shrinking, was the problem. How do I handle these crazy hormones?

Helpless Harry

Dear Harry,

This is a very precarious situation indeed. I have been there a couple times myself. A friend of mine gave me some valuable advice that when your subconscious tells you to abort an idea in action, you probably should. In that moment where you know the correct answer, but also know this is a no win situation, you must learn to abort. In your situation, that would probably involve you simply apologizing and offering to help her buy some new clothes. Do not, I repeat, do not recommend maternity clothes. This is an option that only the pregnant mother or one of her pregnant friends can suggest without risk of injury! The other thing that usually happens is that her shoes will no longer fit. Never suggest larger shoes! Even mentioning that she looks to be retaining water or that she may want to try sandals can be dangerous. I remember the missus retained so much water in her legs with the first one that when you pressed your finger into her leg, it would hold the indentation for about 10 minutes after. She thought my 10 year old nephew would find that to be pretty cool. So we called him over and told him to watch as we pressed her leg in. I pulled my finger back to reveal a large dimple and to our surprise he jumped back and said, “Gross!” That didn’t really help my already self-conscious wife! And then there was her heightened sense of smell. Not only did the slightest scent from anywhere send her on a quest to find out where that smell was coming from, but also she couldn’t stand smells that she found appealing before her pregnancy. You may not take me for much of a cologne guy, but every day I put the same two squirts on just cause the missus likes it so much. However, during a pregnancy it is not uncommon in the least for me to be accused of drowning myself and the whole upstairs with said cologne. At first I tried to argue logically with her that I had used no more than usual. I quickly realized this was pointless, and resigned myself to changing my habits for the duration of her expectancy. But I can tell you this. After nine months of going through all these phases and trying to appease the mommy-to-be, it is all worth it when that little person comes out to meet you. That is, until they learn to talk back, then they frustrate you more than the pregnancy! But we will save that talk for another day! Good luck, and let me know how things turn out.

Sincerely Dear Crabby

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