Dear Crabby, Should the Christmas Tree be real or plastic?

Dear Crabby,

Every year my wife wants to get a real Christmas Tree, but I’d rather just settle for the low maintenance plastic kind. She likes all the festive activities involved with finding the tree, chopping it down, and then bringing it home and all that. What do you think is the best option?

Sincerely, Ben Boring

Dear Mr. Boring,

I’m guessing one of three things is true about your wife: 1. She had a family that did all that garbage when she was growing up, 2. She was neglected and always wanted to do all that garbage when she grew up, or 3. She was dropped on her head at a very young age! You don’t have to answer that, I know it could end poorly for you. I just get bent out of shape when I hear all this fuss about bringing a live tree into your house just to watch it die on your carpet. I mean, nowadays there is not even a hunt involved! They have these “Tree Farms,” whatever that is, where you park your car and pay to walk some guy’s property to look for a Christmas Tree. Then, when you find the one you want, you have to chop it down yourself and drag it all the way back to your car!  I mean these “Tree Farmers” have got to be joyously shocked at the stupidity of these city-slickers!  I mean that would be like someone paying me money so they could mow my lawn and then haul away all the clippings! I remember the first Christmas after my wife and I were married. She suggested that we buy a real tree to decorate. Being the big spender that I am, I drove past a liquor store that had some trees for sale on their side lot; they were $10 cheaper than all the other places I had looked. It was a really mildwinter so far that year, for which I was thankful. When I got this tree home, I came barging through the door to surprise Mrs. Crabby. It was already getting dark outside and as I tried to come through the door, the branches got stuck on both sides of the doorway. Thinking I would impress the missus with my brute strength, I pushed the tree through with great force.  As the tree thudded on the ground, we saw dozens of little “things” hit the floor. Almost immediately, the little “things” started scurrying around – dozens of bugs! Well, needless to say, Mrs. Crabby was very impressed – by the speed with which I pulled that tree back outside! I sprayed that infested tree profusely with bug killer. After trying to wash the green stains off the door jam, that were quite visible now that we had turned our lights on, and looking everywhere for tiny tree bugs, we finally called it a day. We left the tree outside for about 3 days, never once watering it. After we were certain there were no more bugs, we brought our trusty tree inside and got her all decorated and lit up. Starting just a few days after that and continuing daily throughout the holidays, we would hear a loud raining noise and the thud of yet another fallen ornament.  Apparently the branches were so dry and dead, the needles would just give out and fall.  It barely made it through Christmas Day; we could pretty much see right through it because it was so bare. Needless to say, we have had the plastic tree ever since. So, good luck and let me know how yours turns out!

Sincerely, Dear Crabby

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