Dear Crabby, What Are Your Oscar Predictions?

Dear Crabby,

The Academy Awards is this Sunday, and while I know you’re not a big movie buff, I figured you’d probably have an opinion anyway. So, do you have any Oscar predictions?

Fred Noir

Dear Mr. Noir,

You are correct that I usually don’t give two hoots about what’s playing in movie houses these days (are they even called that anymore?), but I can still give you my two cents because I never get tired of giving people my opinion. Here are my Oscar predictions. The host, Jimmy Kibble (I think that’s his name) will try to be funny. Of course, he’ll fall short of the master, the king of the Oscars, Bob Hope. That man hosted the show 19 times—even before it was broadcast on T.V.! You don’t host it that many times if you aren’t funny. Although I will say that Billy Crystal fella was pretty funny when he hosted. Not Bob Hope funny, mind you, but funny enough for me to watch and not fall asleep. If there have been other hosts, I couldn’t tell you who they were because they weren’t funny. Another prediction is that some actor/writer/producer/director will give a speech where they will accidently cuss or say something political. This will cue mock outrage causing people at home to make unrealistic statements like, ‘I’ll never see another movie starring <insert name> again!’ Guess what? That never works. If you want to completely boycott everything and everyone you don’t agree with, hope you enjoy being Amish. Most of the people in the movie industry get paid ridiculous amounts of money, but then again it’s what they do for a living. I assume most of them have trained and paid their dues, much like CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, so they’re entitled to say what they’d like. And I suppose if people don’t like it, then they probably shouldn’t be watching to begin with! I also predict that some beloved actor will be excluded from the annual in memoriam segment. We lost some icons in 2016: Patty Duke, Garry Marshall, Debbie Reynolds, Abe Vigoda, and so on. There’s no way they could fit in all these people in a 10-minute segment. Is it unfortunate? Yes. Is it the end of the world? Nope. My last prediction is that someone or some film will win that people think shouldn’t. For example, I think the war movie Hacksaw Ridge should win Best Picture. Will it? Nope. That frou-frou musical La La Land will probably win. And now that I think of it, Hacksaw Ridge was directed by Mel Gibson, who is also nominated for an Oscar this year. Weren’t we supposed to be boycotting him for this, that, or the other thing? Whoops. Don’t worry. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m sure there will be plenty else for folks to be up in arms about. Oh, wait! I got one more prediction: the show will run long past its scheduled airtime. But that doesn’t bother me, ‘cuz I’ll probably go to bed after the opening monologue by that Kibble fella. But only if he’s funny.

Have fun watching all the fancy people!
Dear Crabby

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