Dear Crabby, What’s Wrong with the U.S. Olympic Team Uniforms?

Dear Crabby,

The Summer Olympics kick off in Rio on Friday and I was all excited… until I saw what they’ll be wearing in the Opening Ceremonies. Ugh. Who designs these outfits and aren’t we supposed to be setting the bar for excellence for the rest of the world?

Paula Patriotic

Dear Paula Patriotic,

Ha! ‘Bar of excellence.’ That’s a good one, but I think I know what you’re referring to. The recent unveiling of what members of the U.S. Olympic team will be sporting when they make their debut in Rio left a lot of people confused. That’s because the shirt they’re wearing has white, red, and blue stripes. Now you may be thinking, ‘What’s the big deal? Those are the colors of the U.S. flag.’ While that’s true, they aren’t arranged in red, white, and blue order. When the athletes put on their matching navy blazers, the stripes shown are in white, blue, and red order and well, it kind of looks like the Russian flag. Who knows? Maybe since the Russian track and field team was banned from participating this year, we decided to be help them out. Ya know, in the interest of international camaraderie the Games are supposed to foster. Boy, do I crack myself up.

Dear Crabby Gives AdviceInterestingly, the uniforms are designed by Ralph Lauren, who was born right here in the good old U S of A, and it’s not the first time his creations have caused a ruckus. Just four years ago our athletes were headed across the pond in snappy threads made in… China. Whoops. As you can imagine that didn’t go over well. Ralphie could have redeemed himself at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, but instead our athletes looked liked they escaped an ugly Christmas sweater party. I’m gonna assume he’ll be designing the outfits for the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea, and I’d bet a gold medal there will be something wrong with them too. Guess it all falls under the heading of ‘creative license.’ In my humble opinion it seems like Ralphie is overthinking it too much. Jesse Owens didn’t need fancy threads to show Hitler and the rest of the world that he was the best runner—period. Just like Abby Wambach probably wasn’t thinking, ‘Gee whiz. I sure hope this outfit helps me score five goals goals during these Games.’ And if you ask me, while the uniforms are an unfortunate choice, if I were an athlete I’d be more worried about security, shoddy living conditions, and that pesky Zika virus. But that’s just me.

Either way… Go USA!
Dear Crabby

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