Dear Crabby,
My wife is obsessed with the home improvement show Fixer Upper. So, you can imagine how devastated she was when she heard the news it’s ending after this season. Of course, I have no idea why she’s taking it so personally. I mean it’s not like we’re friends with Joanna and Chip Gaines. Can you figure it out?
Thanks!
Luke Lumbersome
Dear Luke Lumbersome,
A less, ahem, cultured man than myself would have no clue what you’re talking about, but thanks to Mrs. Crabby and my daughter, I know way more about Fixer Upper than anyone should. Good grief. It’s like a cult! Mrs. Crabby and my daughter even took a pilgrimage to Waco, Texas to visit the Magnolia mecca.
The takeover at my house started slowly. First, it was just my wife watching. And then she and my daughter would watch the show together while talking on the phone. Next, came paint samples in every color of gray imaginable and the casual mention of ‘shiplapping’ some walls. Apparently, the color gray and shiplap are two elements every Fixer Upper house must have. At least it seems that way. You wanna know where 
shiplap is normally used? On the exteriors of barns, sheds, and outbuildings. But now people want to use it all over the interior of a home because that’s what Joanna would do. Which is funny because I’ve had conversations with builders who say she’s using the term incorrectly. Eh. I don’t think most of the diehard fans care. Speaking of the Designing Dynamic Duo Joanna and Chip Gaines… she looks like the sort of person who wakes up looking pulled together, always has the coffee on, and delicious baked goodies in the oven. And Chip has that permanent ‘aw-gee-shucks’ grin on his face as if he can’t believe his good fortune of being married to Joanna. Believe us, buddy. We can’t believe it either.
I hafta admit I saw this coming. And before you accuse me of hating the brand, just hear me out. Of course, there was the show, but then they kept adding things to their plate: Magnolia Market (the aforementioned mecca), a bed and breakfast, a restaurant, home wallpaper and paints, a magazine, a home goods line with Target, and I’m sure more things I’m forgetting. Honestly, I’m tired just typing it all out. Also, they only fix up houses in the Waco, Texas area. Just how many houses are left that need fixing up? They may have built a lifestyle brand everyone loved, but somewhere along the way their lifestyle began suffering. So, I give them credit for taking a step back and focusing on what they feel is important. I’m sure their hiatus from our TVs will only be temporary and remember, there’s still one more season to enjoy and it kicks off November 28.
Until then, if you need me, I’ll be secretly lighting the $26 Magnolia Fall Candle my wife ordered ages ago and bracing myself, y’all.
Dear Crabby
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