How Do I Start Exercising?

Dear Crabby,

I just had my annual physical and the doctor says I’m a little overweight and that my cholesterol is at a dangerous level!  He wants me to go on a diet and start exercising immediately.  How do I do that?  I’ve never been one to do either!

Sincerely, Running for My Lazy Boy

Dear Running for My Lazy Boy,

I have never been one to exercise on purpose. I personally think it’s bad for the body. That being said, I do remember there being a time when the doctor said I needed to get things moving better.  Mrs. Crabby knew just what he meant and went out that very day to buy me a variety pack of Metamucil. God bless that woman!  Because, let me tell you son, the only thing worse than a jammed up constitution is a flared up hemorrhoid. Trust me –  I’ve done battle with both – and AT THE SAME TIME! If I relate your diet and exercise predicament to my constitution, I can walk you through how you should proceed. Start by doing some of the stuff the doctor says: eat lots of fiber, run around your house, touch your toes, yada yada yada.  That’s how I started. I put three scoops of that awful Metamucil in my Raisin Bran and put a little of that cream where the sun don’t shine, and then I sat back and waited. About four hours later, the stuff started running like the 5 o’clock to Brownstown if you know what I mean! So then I stopped using the stuff. I was good for another month or two and then I repeated the cycle.  Basically, son, I think you could probably do the same thing with your exercise stuff. Just start and see what happens. If you feel better and drop a couple pounds, maybe you can drop it and go back to your cookies and Lazy Boy!  Oh…wait a minute…aahhhh, the Mrs. wants me to retract that last part and say, “By exercising and eating properly you will maintain your ideal body weight and feel much better on a daily basis. You will also lead a more productive and longer life.”  Again, yada yada yada.  So, take what you will from all that and good luck.  If you ever find yourself in the hemorrhoid battle, I suggest you try the “Preparation H with cooling gel.” He’s the best soldier out there! I’ll be proud to have served with you one day son- fight the good fight!

Sincerely, Dear Crabby

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